I feel lonely. I feel further away from You than I ever have while being here. Yet, I feel so close and so near to Your Word than ever before. I feel like giving up. I don't know why. I just feel like there's no point to all of it. I feel like it is all meaningless. I don't see an end in sight. The more I read Your Word the more sinful I see myself. Yet, I can't pinpoint those sins. I feel like i hide them from myself or believe that they're not there. Why do I feel so distant from You? Why do I feel like it is all meaningless? I feel like I am being so fake. I fight within myself the desire to do your good, pleasing, and perfect will.To live it out. But I know I can never fulfill all of it. So what’s the point? I’m no better than the Israelites who again and again don’t believe You. Who again and again turn away from You. I feel like there’s no depth, even though we are digging deep into Your Word. I feel like relationships here have no depth, even though we all came here for the same purpose. To do Your Will.
What’s the point? What’s the point of being here to study Your Word in depth if I won’t turn it back to myself and say “what can I get from this? What is God showing me to change about my life?” There is no point if I am not doing that. God wants change. There is no point if I am not daily becoming a living sacrifice, giving my whole being. It doesn’t belong to me. My life is not mine. God change me. Change the way I view You. Make me more and more into the image of Your Son. God help me to live wholly for You, with no part left out. Make my life something useful.
Lord, where do I find my identity? Who tells me my purpose and identity in life? Who do I believe? My identity is in You and only You. Let my life reflect that truth. God help me to only fear You. You are the one who created me. Not man. You are the only one that satisfies. Man will never satisfy. I am not accountable to man, only You. God help me to keep my focus on You and Your kingdom, Your will, and eternity with You. This life will pass away. You are eternal. If You are for me, who can be against me? I am not a slave of this world. I am not a slave to man. God bought me. May Your will be done through my life and may I be an instrument of Your love You first showed to me.
God my view of who You are is the basis of everything I believe, think, do, or say. How I respond to situations and circumstances is a direct result of how I view You. And if how I act reveals how I view You, then it doesn’t matter what I say I believe about You. If I don’t act accordingly to what I say I believe, then I really don’t believe it. To transform and renew my mind to how I should view You and act accordingly, I must see the need of daily being in Your Word and in prayer because I can not doing anything without You.
Lord, let me not forget Your deliverance of me. Help me to not walk by sight and only see the obstacles and problems of life, but help me walk by faith and see You in Your glory and might and according to Your promises of my identity in Christ as righteous. Help me to be courageous, forgetting my natural strength or human reasoning because of who You are. Teach me how to fervently pray. Show me how to walk humbly
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1 comment:
Yes, I feel that way too. The more I dwell with God, the more He reveals my poverty of spirit. My need for Him grows when He shows me how far off I am. In my pride I couldn't see how far off I really was. He is helping me tear down those walls of self-sufficiency.
Keep leaning into Him. He will change your beliefs to line up with Him truth. Remember it's a process, not perfection. He loves mostly that we hangout with Him. He does the rest. He promises.
Keep confessing and repenting. Let the angels rejoice. I love you so much. Keep knowing Him and following hard after Him.
XOXOXO Mom
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